Kolumnen

Danke, Niki! – 14.01.2017

Ich sitze wie eine siegreiche Feldherrin auf dem Hotelbalkon.
Die Schlacht war keine Lercherlpartie gewesen, aber ich hatte sie für mich entschieden:
Das Zimmer, nämlich das beste in der Anstalt, erste Reihe fußfrei, „beachfront“, zweiter Stock, war meins. Und diese Fototapete lebte. Inklusive brachialer Wellen und lustiger Affen, die durch die Palmenwipfel turnen. Die Stammgäste, die in der Nähe der Küche des Ayurvedien-Schuppens verparkt wurden, sind empört, dass die Einser-Suite jetzt in unbekannter Feindeshand ist.  Diesen Triumph hatte ich  Niki Lauda zu verdanken. Der Mann hat natürlich keine Ahnung, dass er neuerdings eine Poleposition in meinem Herzen hat, geschweige denn, dass er überhaupt weiß, wer ich bin. Aber der Direktor des Hotels verriet mir schon letztes Jahr, dass er Nöki Laudaaas größter lebender Fan sei. Da mein Aszendent irgendwann als Tierkreiszeichen  „ausg’schamtes Luder“ berechnet worden war, kramte ich uralte Interviewbilder aus dem Archiv, wo man mich dem Himmel sei Dank nur von hinten im lockeren Gespräch mit Niki Lauda sah. Ungefähr zehn Jahre alt. Nur durch das Täuschungsmanöver der Rückenansicht konnte man dem glühenden Fan in vorauseilenden Mails versichern, dass man Nöki erst vor zwei Wochen getroffen habe und er seine „kindest regards“ schickt und überhaupt Sri Lanka liebe undsoweiterundsofort. Im Krieg und in der Liebe sind angeblich alle Mittel zulässig. Und der Kampf um das beste Zimmer ist eine Art Krieg. Außerdem lügt der Mensch schon zu Hause durchschnittlich 236-mal, wie man in Harvard erforscht hat. „Schämst du dich gar nicht“, schrie N, der ich die Schnurre von meinem Einser-Balkon telefonisch durchgab. „Doch und wie!“ brüllte ich zurück, währen die große Blutorange im Wasser versank, „aber Gott wird mir vergeben, denn das ist sein Beruf.“ Diesen schönen Satz hatte Kleist angeblich knapp vor seinem Selbstmord getan.

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