Kolumnen

„Des G’schiss mit der Elli“ – 22.10.2016

Aufkommen von Kussgeschehen.

Mein Lieblingswort der Woche ist „Kussgeschehen“. Und das kam so. Aus Liebe zu meiner M hatte ich mich als ihre Begleiterscheinung auf eine Chichi-Party geschleppt. Mir rannen vor Langeweile nahezu die Tränen, bis ich an der Bar neben einem Münchner Kanalgitter-Tycoon zu stehen kam, der gekrümmt wie  eine depressive Sichel am Tresen hing. Er flüsterte seinem Kumpel zu: „… und dann sagt dieses Teufelsbratl doch: Koa Sex, aber ein bisschen Liebhaben mog i scho‘.“ – Der Kumpel: „Naja, da san ja oft die Grenzen fließend.“ –  Kanalgitter-Eddie: „Na freili. Genau des hab’ ich mir ja o dacht. Und warum hat die mit mir aber die Suite bezogen?“ – „Na, warum?“ – „Hearst, i frag doch di!“ – „Vielleicht wollt’s ja a mol ane von innen sehen, so a Suite …“ Wie sich im weiteren Verlauf des Gesprächs herausstellen sollte, hatte die Dame nach der Nächtigung Kanalgitter-Eddie wegen sexueller Belästigung angezeigt, der Teile der Anklage  zu verlesen begann: „Es kam vereinzelt zu Kussgeschehen und danach zu beiwohungsorientiertem Verhalten (mein zweites Lieblingswort dieser Woche).“ Der Spezi unterbricht ihn: „Also was jetzt – hast ihr jetzt an die Kachel g’langt oder net?“ Kachel scheint der feministisch nicht ganz astreine bayrische Ausdruck für das Allerheiligste einer Frau zu sein. Jetzt  fischte der Beklagte nach seinem Handy und zeigte seinem Freund ein Foto, das den in Richtung Schnappatmung manövrierte. Kanal-Ed nicht ohne Trophäenstolz: „Gell jo, a Katz is des schon, a ganz a feine …“ Doch die temporäre Sprachlosigkeit des Kumpels hatte einen anderen Ursprung. Denn der stammelte jetzt: „Des is mei Elli, mei Elli is des.“ Und sofort musste ich an den Monaco Franze in der himmlischen gleichnamigen Serie denken, der dort einmal nach einem beiwohnungsorientierten Verhalten ohne Erfolg raunzte: „Immer des G’schiss mit der Elli.“

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