Kolumnen

Eine Pussy namens Paul – 05.11.2016

Warum die alle so empfindlich sind.

Ich koche!“ brüllte R in den Hörer. „Das weiß ich“, antwortete ich, „will auch nicht lang stören.“ – „Missverständnis: Ich koche vor Wut. Denn der Typ hat gerade wegen Halskratzen abgesagt. Geht’s dem noch irgendwie?“ – „Offensichtlich schlecht.“ – „Ich habe ihn auf dem Handy sofort von Paul auf Pussy umgespeichert. So eine Lusche. Unter Schussverletzungen gilt es bei mir nicht. Ich bin ja neu in dem Genre. Aber sind diese 50-Jährigen immer so?“  R, 44, war gerade frisch geschieden und wollte ihre neue Freiheit eigentlich mit vollem Karacho genießen.
Ich hatte nichts Aufbauendes im Talon: „Vielleicht sind armenische Freischärler und indigene Kampffischer härter im Nehmen, aber ansonsten haben die gerne alle schnell was.“ – „Das ist ja grauenhaft! Wie kann man auf Männer, die wegen Zugluft hysterisch werden, wegen Histamin-Intoleranzen nach einem Glas Rioja so verquollen wie der mongolische Agrarminister aussehen und einem ständig Kurzreferate über ihre Refluxproblematik halten, auch nur irgendwie scharf sein?“ – „Vielleicht solltest du dir in der Apotheke ein Retter-Syndrom besorgen. Oder entdecke einfach deine innere Krankenschwester.“ – „Ich habe aber schon ein Kind, mein Fürsorgebedürfnis ist über dem Anschlag.“ – „Geh vielleicht besser in der 40-minus-Kategorie auf Pirsch, das ist sicher ein an Intoleranzen ärmeres Gebiet.“ – „Fantastische Idee! Wenn dort noch irgendein Restexemplar über ist, das nach einem Trennungstrauma gerade nicht mit einer 25-jährigen Pilates-Trainerin eine Zweitfamilie gründen will, werde ich mich drauf stürzen.“  Willkommen im Zeitalter des emotionalen Kapitalismus, dachte ich mir und sagte: „Was hätte es denn gegeben? Ich hab‘ heute nämlich noch nichts Hübsches gegessen.“ – „Frustration an Verzweiflungsdialogen, mit Früchterln des Zorns.“ – „Quasi meine Lieblingsspeise. Ich schnalle schon einmal das Blaulicht um und bin gleich da.“

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