Kolumnen

Keine Liebe mit Meerblick – 24.09.2016

Als Tootsie alles versuchte, um ihre Provision zu retten.

Letzte Sommerzuckungen auf Mallorca. M, die hier lebt, und ich zelebrierten gerade zur blauen Stunde in gebotener Ergriffenheit unser 40-jähriges Freundschaftsjubiläum, als unser Gin-Tonic-Hochamt auf dem Marktplatz von Pollença empfindlich gestört wurde. Auf das Gelände stob Tootsie, ein Schlachtschiff von einer britischen Immobilientycoonesse. Strähnen hingen ihr wirr aus ihrer ehemaligen Frisur, das Chanelkostüm-Imitat war zerdrückt. Unablässig „Bugger, bugger, bugger!“ zischend, parkte sie sich bei uns ein. Ich reichte ihr zur Beruhigung mein Getränk, sie erledigte es in zwei Schlucken.
Wie sich herausstellte, war ihr eben ein 2,1-Millionen-Euro-Deal geplatzt. Nach drei Monaten Verhandlungen. In dem Moment, als die holländische Hippiefrau, die es mit veganer Fertigkost zu einem Vermögen gebracht hatte, den Kaufvertrag für die Finca mit bombastischem Meerblick unterschreiben sollte, hatte sie plötzlich die Feder aus der Hand gelegt und geflüstert: „Ich kann es nicht machen. Denn ich spüre keine Liebe in diesem Haus.“
Der Noch-Besitzer, ein skrupelfreier Anwalt aus Valencia, reagierte mit Schuss-Salven von Blicken: „Liebe, Liebe – wollen Sie mich jetzt verarschen?“ – „Sehen Sie“, antwortete die vegane Holländerin, „das ist genau das, wovon ich spreche.“
Tootsie versuchte alles, um ihre Provision zu retten. Nach so endlosem wie vergeblichem Poesiealbumgelaber stöhnte sie nur noch: „Scheiß auf die Schwingungen – ich organisiere den besten Ghostbuster auf dieser verfluchten Insel!“ „No way, José“, sollte die Keine-Liebe-Spürerin stur bleiben. Nach drei Erstversorgungs-Drinks war Tootsie wieder auf der Spur: „Auf  Liebe mit Meerblick! Und ab zwei Millionen Verhandlungsbasis.“ Dann lachte sie so laut, dass die Spatzen in Angstwolken davon fegten.

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