Kolumnen

Sexuelle Gefahr 13.08.2016

Der Sommer macht uns nicht schöner – denn wir sind nicht Sharon Stone.

„Wolkerlspeck“, sagte sie und kniff mir in den Oberschenkel. Das war der schöne Wiener Ausdruck für das hässliche Dellenaufkommen. In der Kategorie „Poetische Namen für Grauslichkeiten aller Art“ nur noch zu übertreffen von der „Warnzwetschke“, wie mein Trafikant die Teerlunge auf den Zigarettenpackungen nennt. Ich kniff zurück: „Selber! Und hart erarbeitet – Kaffee, Unfug, wenig Schlaf vor Mitternacht, Alohol …“ – „Du weißt aber schon, dass Sharon Stone nur deswegen wie Sharon Stone aussieht, weil sie ab ihrem 40. Lebensjahr abends nichts mehr isst und immer nichts trinkt.“ – „Sharon-who?“ kürzte ich die Debatte ab. So schlugen die Ausdruckskünstlerin und ich die Abende an der Alten Donau tot. Der Sommer machte uns nicht gerade schöner, denn man musste ja ständig anstoßen. Und dann plärrten wir „Auf die Saison!“ Wir lamentierten ausufernd über unseren Verfall. Und wenn ich dann doch gelobte, ab Herbst wieder über Wochen nur mit Kolibripipetten zur Nahrungsaufnahme zu schreiten, um endlich wieder in meine „Warn-Jeans“ zu passen, schüttelte sie nur milde den Kopf: „Schenk die Jimmy-Hosen den  bedürftigen! In dem Leben geht  sich das nicht mehr aus.“ Dann schwelgte sie mit dick Stolz in der Vergangenheit: „Ich war ja in meinem Frühling einmal eine echte sexuelle Gefahr für viele Männer.“  Die Ausdruckskünstlerin trug, als sie das sagte, Scholl-Treter, Lesebrille und eine grausam geblümte „Hier-kocht-Muttern“-Schürze ums Kurvenmassiv und ich begann wie eine Berghyäne aus unserer neuen Lieblingssendung „Universum“ zu kichern, als ich mir vorstellte, wie sexuell gefährlich dieses Outfit nur werden konnte. Und stellte dann die alles entscheidende Suggestivfrage: „Sexuelle Gefahr, machst du mir bitte eh einen Gurkensalat zu den Augsburgern?!“ Die „sexuelle Gefahr“ nickte nur resignativ. Sie wusste, dass ich sie jetzt fest in der Hand hatte.

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